When I first found out I was pregnant we were over the moon. We excitedly told family, the thought of miscarriage didn't cross my mind. I carried that baby for 7 short weeks before I lost him or her. I won't go into it too much because this blog is Caitlin's story and not mine, and it's not something I talk about much, but I will always remember. Caitlin is my second baby, and that pregnancy I kept quiet until the 12 weeks scan, worried history would repeat itself. After the 12 week scan I relaxed and spent 8 wonderful weeks enjoying my pregnancy, glad the hard part was over, that everything would be okay now. At the 20 week scan I wasn't worried, and that was when we got the bombshell that our beautiful girl had spina bifida & hydrocephalus. The remainder of my pregnancy was a horrible time because I thought at any moment I could lose her. The sound of her cry when she was born is a sound I will treasure forever because she was here, she was alive and that was all that really mattered.
When Caitlin was two years old we started trying for another baby and again I quickly fell pregnant. I convinced myself that my first miscarriage was the only one I would have, that it just couldn't happen again, we had had enough heartache. I carried my third baby for 7 weeks again before he or she became an angel. Grief and a broken heart is hard to bear but my Caitlin was always my shining light, despite being in and out of hospital with shunt revisions, she was always smiling, and was always my reason to keep going. A few months after my second miscarriage I learnt I was expecting again and this time I didn't dare hope. Only David knew and we didn't really speak of it, afraid of losing this baby too. I carried him or her for only 5 weeks this time and then she/he joined his brother's or sisters. It's probably strange for some people for me to talk of a baby as if he/she was fully grown, when in reality they may never have had heart beats. I never heard them. But I cope by thinking they had souls from the moment of conception, that they are somewhere now, keeping a special watch on us.
At that point I give up on ever having another baby. I was referred for hospital tests to investigate why I kept losing my babies, with my only surviving baby having disabilities. On the day of the hospital tests I discovered I was pregnant once again. My heart actually sunk, I was so sure I would lose this one too. I informed the doctors at my appointment who give me a scan and found nothing. They said it was either too early to tell but he wasn't hopeful I was going to carry this baby. 9 months later my healthy baby girl Aoife arrived. My wish for Caitlin to be a big sister, for me to be a mummy again came true.
And so I am incredibly thankful. Thankful to be a mother to my beautiful girls. Watching them both grow, seeing both of them progress with Caitlin continuing to improve with her walking, and Aoife reaching all her milestones early, and walking at 10 months old, (that was a shock!).
Just watching them playing together,
Being silly,
Fighting over toys,
Being cute little witches on Halloween,
Seeing the relationship between them both, watching Aoife copy everything her sister does, and how Caitlin loves teaching her new things (and takes credit for whatever she doesn't teach her!) I just love it. Time passes in a blink of an eye. Aoife is already a year old, Caitlin almost four. Those dark days are long gone. There couldn't be any when I have my girls. The innocence of children is amazing and us adults could learn a lot from them! Like when Caitlin got her new wheelchair, instead of being sad about it she was so excited she demanded we go out in the street right away so she could try it out properly. Aoife loves it too and is always trying to climb up into it. It's a great way to be, to see aids like wheelchairs as just a completely normal part of life.
When Caitlin goes to school, Aoife wanders around the house looking for her, and runs straight to Caitlin when she arrives home. If Caitlin comes home from nursery and Aoife is taking a nap her first question is to ask where she is. They chase each other around the house all the time, laughing. I watch with a stupid big grin on my face then join in :) They are the best of friends already. I couldn't ask for more.
